Women’s College Wrestling Growing So Fast, Two Pizza Shops Starting Women’s Programs

Pizza shop owners starting women’s college wrestling clubs in Avon, NY.

by Patterson Kane, staff writer, “Not-So-News News” Satire

Women’s college wrestling is growing so fast, two pizza shops in western NY are starting college programs.

“Well, business was slow this summer,” said Tyler Tilling, owner of Dontonio’s Pizza in Avon, NY, “and I heard about the growth of women’s wrestling. That got me thinking about it and one day I thought, ‘Aw heck, let’s pull the trigger on this.’”

Once Tilling announced his intention to start a women’s program in his restaurant, his competitor “Eddie’s Pizza”—just down the street near the Coyne farm—decided to start his own. “The pizza business is a cut-throat business,” said Eddie Carhart, “we had to keep pace with our competition, so ‘Boom!’—now we have a women’s wrestling program.”

Women competing for Dontonio’s will compete in the NCWA division and wear red and yellow. “Pizza colors,” notes Tilling. Their mascot will be banana peppers. “Banana peppers are sweet but also have some bite,” explains the pizza maker. “That’s the culture we’re going to build here. Young women who have character but can also rip their opponent’s head off.”

“Dumb idea,” says Carhart, who attended high school with Tilling, a classmate he once had a fight with in the cafeteria. “We’re going with anchovies. When our girls are done wrestling, their opponents will have a bad taste in their mouths.”

Tilling has already redesigned his pizza shop so that it can accommodate half a mat. “It would be ideal to have it bigger, but what we’re gaining is unique entertainment for our guests. Think how cool it’s going to be to be crushing a slice of pepperoni while college-level athletes are practicing a few feet away.”

Dontonio’s will launch their competitive season in November, just before the uptick of pizza sales when NFL playoff games begin.